I wrapped up a 7 week training this morning where I heard something that set my wheels turning: “You are coming out of an Ashes season”. It struck me because it fit.

I very much have spent probably the last 3 years in a churn, watching a loved one manage an illness and exit this side of heaven. What I was prepared for was all of the busy work of managing an estate, clearing out a homestead, donating all the things, drama with loved ones over possessions. What I was unprepared for and what I am navigating now is the after….what do you do when you emerge from a Season of Ashes?

For context, ‘Beauty for ashes’ is related to Isaiah 61:3 where God promises protection, balm, peace in the midst of great turmoil. It’s really a biblical reminder that there is a thing called post-traumatic growth. And these days, I’ve been so aware of this sense of “what next…what now….”. Doing, always doing. And the revelation in that is that I have spent more time bracing for impact (insert: death of a parent, change of job, change in relationships, etc) for so long that it’s hard to figure out what life can look like outside of this season. What does contentment even look like when the landscape of one’s life is so different a year later? Two years later?

In true fashion, I set out to consume all the things related to interpersonal growth, peace, etc. I signed up for coaching sessions, therapy sessions, massage sessions, mentorship sessions, spiritual direction sessions. I did a lot of the busy work outside of myself b/c that’s what I had always done. And nothing shifted or moved or budged the bracing for impact. I had consumed a lot of really great information. I was struggling with how to apply it.

I realized last month that the issue was overconsumption. In the ways I had always attempted to fix problems, I went outside of myself, got very busy very quickly and assumed that other folks had the answers to how I needed to navigate grief, change, midlife, etc.

Thankfully, I realized this.

Thankfully, I slowed down. Thankfully, I realized that I was tapped out and I wanted quietness so I could listen. And when I settled down and listened, I heard clearly: “hold still. You know there is peace here”.

I mediate every morning. I imagine myself having a cup of coffee with God, my Jesus, the Holy Spirit is tinkering in the kitchen & Mary is typically there too. And there is quiet and comfort, and every once in a while, there is clarity that comes through.

And so I hold still & fight the urge to overconsume. I daydream about life on the other side of the Season of Ashes.